Announcer: The following is a paid commercial announcement. Viewer discretion advised.
Cathy: Hello again! And welcome to the newest invention show to hit the air waves – Incredible Edibles! Yes that’s right! Every week we come into your house and showcase the newest non-toxic on the market. Now, what you’ve all been waiting for. The creator of our newest invention. The one, the only … Krazy Kirk O’Neal. Come on out here Kirk.
Kirk: Thank you. Thank you. I’m Krazy Kirk O’Neal and folks, I’d like to introduce you to one of the things I’m sure will change America as we know it. It’s been clinically tested and proven by our scientists to cure every ema, ary, eeya, itis, otis and ortis known to man. That’s right folks, it cures such things as emphysema, dysentery, leukemia, dermatitis, scoliosis, rigor mortis and much more. And now, it’s available to you in your own home. That’s right folks. It’s the new Krazy Kirk’s Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000! You heard me right! It’s the new Krazy Kirk’s Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000!
Cathy: That’s really great Kirk! I’ve heard so much about your product!
Kirk: Cathy, please! Call me Krazy!
Cathy: Ok Krazy! Great! Now they tell me you have a special surprise in store for us today. Is that right?
Kirk: That’s right Cathy –
Cathy: Oh Krazy pleas! Call me Cuddles!
Kirk: Ok Cuddles. I have a special treat for you all today. We took a camera crew out and taped what loyal customers had to say about our product. Here are some clips.
Sarah: Before Krazy came into my life I was religiously uncertain. Then, at a ladies aid meeting, there, sitting on the table was a bottle of Krazy Kirk’s Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000. I looked around, took a sip, and began shakin’ from side to side and the Holy Spirit came down on me and I found my God. Krazy has truly given me salvation. He can give it to you too.
Sam: I was real depressed. I had to admit in front of my friends that I was illiterate. It’s not my fault that hooked on phonics crap doesn’t work. Then I ordered something that truly changed my life. Krazy Kirk’s Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000. No more Cat in the Hat for. No sir! Within no time I was living with Hemmingway and doing the forbidden dance with Tolstoy.
Jim: Hello, my name is Jim Smith and I love your product. Before I had your product, there wasn’t enough pain killer in the world to keep the voices in my head quit. But now, with just two bottles a day I’m happy, energetic and best of all, there are no more arguments inside my head. It gave me my life back. Thanks Krazy.
Tammy: Every morning I get up, look down and ask myself, why did God only give me nine fingers? I mean, what can you do with nine fingers? You can’t type a letter home to mom. I mean how do you hit the “o” key? Dear Mm. Hw are yu? Then I look over, and inside my dresser drawer is a gallon jug of Krazy Kirk’s Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000. I take a swig look back and think. Hey! Life’s not so bad after all. Losing a finger is no longer a problem!
Cathy: That’s great Krazy! That’s just fabulous!
Krazy: I know that Cathy … I mean Cuddles. I know. And folks, I’m gonna be straight forward with you. Individual results may vary. And it’s true, it’s true. Our product is banned in twenty-three out of the fifty states. But folks, you folks in the remaining twenty-seven states, we have a whale of a sale for you today! That’s right folks a twelve ounce bottle of my new Amazing Miracle Fixer Elixir 2000 is on sale for the remaining portion of this program. And what would you expect to pay for this fabulous product? $3000? $2500? Well folks, I tell you what. Our product will sell for not $2000. Not $1000 dollars like you might be thinking. Not $500. Not $400. Not $300. Not even $200. Today and today only folks, we’ll be offering this product for the ridiculously low price of three easy payments of $49.95. That’s right folks! Three easy payments of $49.95! Operators are standing by; please dial that 900 number flashing across your screen.
Cathy: Well Krazy, it looks as though we’ve run out of time. I’d like to thank you all out there for tuning in and hope you join us next week for another exciting edition of Incredible Edibles. Whew! We’re done. I can’t wait to get these heels off.
Kirk: I know what you mean. You know what? I can’t believe people keep buying this junk. But I don’t care! Let them spend their whole life savings for all I care. I could use a second beamer. And you know what the worst part about it is? That people call in and order it more than once. I mean, it’s a little booze and sugar water for goodness sake. You hear that America? You’re stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Cathy: Kirk? I think the stage manager wants you.
Kirk: What’s that Bob? Oh! A new intern. I like interns. What do you mean she got us five extra minutes of air time? You mean? And we’ve been? Oh my. Cuddles, we’ve got a slight problem. Oh where’d she go? Well. What do I say? Heck folk, I didn’t mean that last bit. I was joking around. I mean, that’s why they call me Krazy. Oh, and for those of you who didn’t see that last part. Our people will be happy to send you this autographed travel flask. Remember folks, only three easy payments. Operators are standing by. Call now.